I've Been Spanxed

Growing up in a southern United Methodist Church means a lot of things. For one, I know a lot of old hymns by heart. Two, I have eaten a lot of chicken casseroles and chocolate pies in my day. And, three, I collected many, many dresses, skirts, stockings, and pumps.

Seven years ago, I gave away all my dresses, skirts, and pumps. I hate wearing dresses and skirts and all the baggage that comes with them: slips, weird bras, stockings, drafts. But, unfortunately, they are often a necessary evil in my life. The past year, for instance, has brought a host of reasons to wear some more formal attire than my jeans and a t-shirt routine: five weddings and three memorial services. The United Methodist in me just cannot wear pants to a funeral.

In the throes of shopping for these events, I seek help. Not from my friends or family. I prefer to shop alone, and when I have questions, I ask the women who work in the women's section at the department store of choice. After finding a dress on sale, I inquire about whether it fits me correctly, and the wonderful clerk eyes my bottom critically as I turn for her. She says, "It's very cute. It fits you great. But, you're going to need a slip. The dress is sticking to your bottom."

Oh, how I hate slips. I hate them so much. They itch and twist and make me feel like I belong in another century.

My dismay must show on my face because the helpful lady says, "Well, actually, you could get a Spanx. Most people are wearing those instead of slips these days."

Oh, now. I have heard of these items called Spanx. The thought of donning something akin to a girdle causes me great fear and grief. Suddenly, the slip sounds great.

My increased dismay must show on my face because the helpful lady says, "At least try it on. They work wonders." She says this as she eyes my bottom, again critically.

I head to the hosiery department, a place I thought I would never have to visit again until my 93rd birthday. I stare at the scads of Spanx items. They have Spanx for seemingly every part of your body from your neck down to your ankles. The hosiery lady helps me select the right size for my body, which involves disclosing my height, weight, blood type, and preferred 401k provider.

Then, the real fun begins. I'm to "try it on" first and model it for the hosiery crew to be sure it fits correctly. I'd rather just run out of the store with my new undergarment and spend a few hours contemplating its merits in the quiet of my own home. Instead, I go to the fitting room, and I open the bright package. Even in my panicked state, I notice the cute graphics on the package and the fact that celebrities wear these things. People like Jessica Alba, Gywneth Paltrow, Vanessa Williams, and Oprah swear by Spanx. And, heck, if Oprah wears it, you can count me in. (Two other pluses, and really serious ones at that: designed by a woman entrepreneur and made in the USA.)

But, I must figure out how to put the thing on first. I have selected the Higher Power model, a close relative of the Power Panties. The Higher Power and I become very well acquainted over the next 12 minutes or so, as I wrangle it onto my thighs. Then, I'm not sure what to do with the rest of it. For a moment, I wonder how I am even going to get this roll of nylon and spandex off myself. Because that's what it is, a roll across my hips. A very tight roll. I start smoothing it out, and within about 5 minutes, things shape up a bit.

Higher Power indeed. As I unfurl the whole deal, I realize it goes all the way up to just below my breasts. At first, I wonder how I will breathe with my ribs pressed into my spine. But, I smooth out the Spanx even more, stretching it from just under my breasts to just above my knees. Then, I put on the dress. I take a deep breath. Wow. I can breathe. Success.

I look at myself in the mirror, trying to catch a glimpse of my bottom. The dress is not sticking to it anymore as far as I can tell. Another success.

I also notice that my hips seem more shapely, more under control, less "I just delivered a baby." (Yes, yes, it has almost been a year, but "just" is relative.)

So, I walk out of the fitting room for the hosiery lady to eye me. She looks at my bottom critically. "Wow," she says. Is that a good "wow" or "oh my, you need to lay off the Twinkies 'wow,'" I wonder. Then, she says, "That looks amazing." I hope she's talking about my bottom. I really do.

After wearing my Spanx to several different events that have required dress pants or a dress, I must say they work for me. I am a total convert, a real believer. These doodads are a miracle in a nifty box, light years away from the slips and girdles of yesteryear. I haven't worn my Higher Power with my normal jeans and t-shirt routine, but the hosiery lady assured me that lots of people do. Maybe one day when I have an extra 17 minutes in the morning to unfurl my Spanx, I'll see.

All-Natural Deodorizer

I love a good-smelling house, but I don't like all the chemicals in most commercial deodorizers. Here are some recipes that work for me.

Simple Room Sprays
In a small (3 - 4oz) mister bottle, combine water and about 10 drops of peppermint essential oil.
Then, shake and spray.

Herbal Citrust Carpet Deodorizer
1 box baking soda (or about 2 cups)
4 drops of lavender essential oil
4 drops of sweet orange essential oil
2 drops of lemon essential oil

Either add the drops right to the box, or use a shaker.

Sprinkle on top of carpet. Wait 5-10 minutes. Vacuum. Breathe deeply!

Tip: This deodorizer works great in trash cans, too. Just sprinkle some in the bottom of the can the next time you change the liner.

Vaccum Filter Scent
Put 3 drops of lavender essential oil on the filter in your vacuum cleaner. Then, every time you vacuum, you get a fresh scent. Do this every time you clean/change the filter.

Gift Tags

To add to my gift wrap post from a few weeks back, I saw a really cute way to make gift tags in one of my cooking magazines. Using leftover and/or received Christmas cards from years past, cut the front of the card into gift tag sizes. You can use scissors, or if you have some shape punchers, you can use those, too.

Then, simply use a regular hole punch to punch a hole in the top, run some ribbon/string through it, and you're done. Write your note on the blank side and attach it to your gift.

This is so easy it works for me. Other gift wrap tips abound at today's Works for Me Wednesday over at Rocks in My Dryer.

Gift Wrap, Be Gone!

My family has been working on getting greener and greener, starting with setting up a recycling center in our kitchen a few years ago.

One green goal I have for this year: I'm trying to avoid buying any wrapping paper this holiday season. I do have a couple rolls I bought on sale after Christmas last year, so I'm saving that for some of the gifts for Spark under the tree and for a couple of the kids he'll exchange gifts with.

So far, what has worked for me? Using old maps! Crazy but true. I saw this idea in a magazine while waiting at the doctor's office the other day, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE some maps, so I decided to try it. The results are amazingly chic!

Here are some other alternatives I'm coming up with wrapping up gifts:

• pillowcases (These work great with oddly shaped items, like plush animals. Just put the gift inside and tie it up with string.)
• reusable bags and containers (So nice to get a gift wrapped inside a gift!)
• newspapers, posters, anything that you might be about to toss in the paper recycling bin (I've even seen gifts wrapped in user manuals.)
• patchwork wrap-up (Do you have a lot of scraps of this and that wrapping papers? If so, create a patchwork wrap-up out of them. The result can be very shabby chic if your patterns are just right. If you sew, you can do the same with fabric scraps. Hem the edges and you have a cool gift in itself.)
• buy gifts that come in cute (and hopefully reusable and/or recyclable) containers so that you don't have to wrap them at all.
• decorate plain boxes you have stacked in your garage. Instead of wrapping them, let your kids paint handprints on the boxes or stamp them with cute images.

Get even greener by

• tying things up with ribbon or yarn (If you're like me, you have a drawer of ribbon and yarn just waiting to be used. This option uses no potentially toxic adhesive.)
• using recycled products to create to/from labels, writing your to/from message directly on the package or gift, or

Fun (and useful) embellishments (instead of throwaway bows):

• cookie cutters
• bandanas
• whistles (Spark got a gift at his birthday party and the wrapping was done in the shape of a old fashioned piece of candy, with the sides twisted. The package was tied up on those ends with the strings of two whistles. )
• real hairbows on packages for girls
• something that matches the gift (Think fishing lure on a fisherman's gift, pens to go with a journal, a spool of thread on a sewer's gift...)

Some other tips:

• wrap fragile items in fabric scraps or napkins/hand towels instead of tissue paper
• start a wrap box where you drop items that you think might come in handy for wrapping later on

**This post is first in a series of Green Wednesday Tips. I decided to add it to Shannon's Works for me Wednesday link list. Check out all the other WFMW links on RocksInMyDryer's Works for Me Wednesday post.