Tuesday, February 10, 2009

A Letter to My Heart

Dear Heart,

Why is Valentine’s Day so unappealing to me? Why won’t you let me love the day of chocolate, red, love, wine, romance? Is it because I broke up with him right after Valentine’s Day? I know. It was cruel to do it so close to a “love” holiday, but I had to. I couldn’t hold back anymore. I waited after the day because I thought doing it before Valentine’s would be worse. I promise I wasn’t waiting on the gift. A new white teddy bear like every Valentine before that one. Trust me, it wasn’t the gift. But you know that.

I rarely spend a Valentine’s Day that I don’t think of him and our last Valentine’s Day together. I had a lump in my throat. I wouldn’t stay at his apartment. I gave him a knife and a dry kiss. It wasn’t pretty. He called me by the time I got home. I forgot the teddy bear at his place. I had tried to end it several times, but wavered back and forth, back and forth. I was shifty, cold, not nice our last months together. Not usually a mean person, I must have been trying to brace myself, build some kind of barrier around you. I’m sorry I did it over the phone, but I did. I’m a wimp sometimes, thanks to you. But, I couldn’t face him when I delivered the news.

Perhaps that’s why I’m cursed from enjoying Valentine’s Day. I felt you break for the very first time many years ago a few days after. But, I want to punish myself, so I live every Valentine’s Day with a lump in my throat, a lump that presses down on you. The lump leaves by March, and you’re free again.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I was expecting this to be the standard sappy Valentine's post. But this isn't that. This is dark and raw and honest and well written.

Thanks for sharing it.

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