Dear Heart,
Why is Valentine’s Day so unappealing to me? Why won’t you let me love the day of chocolate, red, love, wine, romance? Is it because I broke up with him right after Valentine’s Day? I know. It was cruel to do it so close to a “love” holiday, but I had to. I couldn’t hold back anymore. I waited after the day because I thought doing it before Valentine’s would be worse. I promise I wasn’t waiting on the gift. A new white teddy bear like every Valentine before that one. Trust me, it wasn’t the gift. But you know that.
I rarely spend a Valentine’s Day that I don’t think of him and our last Valentine’s Day together. I had a lump in my throat. I wouldn’t stay at his apartment. I gave him a knife and a dry kiss. It wasn’t pretty. He called me by the time I got home. I forgot the teddy bear at his place. I had tried to end it several times, but wavered back and forth, back and forth. I was shifty, cold, not nice our last months together. Not usually a mean person, I must have been trying to brace myself, build some kind of barrier around you. I’m sorry I did it over the phone, but I did. I’m a wimp sometimes, thanks to you. But, I couldn’t face him when I delivered the news.
Perhaps that’s why I’m cursed from enjoying Valentine’s Day. I felt you break for the very first time many years ago a few days after. But, I want to punish myself, so I live every Valentine’s Day with a lump in my throat, a lump that presses down on you. The lump leaves by March, and you’re free again.
Love,
Martia
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1 comment:
I was expecting this to be the standard sappy Valentine's post. But this isn't that. This is dark and raw and honest and well written.
Thanks for sharing it.
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